The video is here. I love you. Dad
Saturday, August 20, 2011
One month old, well 5 weeks,
The video is here. I love you. Dad
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Your here!
Hello my son!!! Welcome to here, welcome to my life, to your life, to the beginning of your steps on solid ground! Welcome to your family! You are the most amazing person I have ever known..I wait and watch for your eyes to open so I can see them. I listen to hear your breath to know your alive. I wait til to wake up to pick you up and carry you. I am utterly exhausted but I cannot sleep knowing your here. You are soo much like me, its frightening I can see so much of myself in you. Even in how you sleep now. Your arms up around your face and your hands on your chin. And you can sleep solidly just like me. We cannot even wake you up sometimes to feed you. But that's ok. Your here now, I'm here now and I'll do whatever it takes to make sure your safe and warm and full of life.
Your birthday is the Celebration of St. Bonaventure. Apparently a huge figure in Church history but his bio was really long so I didn't read it all yet, but I will. Your also born on the same day as your great grandmother on your mothers side. You're in the bassinet right next to me and I watch you dream whatever baby dreams there are. I watch you sniffle and I watch the bottom lip quiver as you start to cry. I wonder who you will be, I pray that you live into your name and know how to listen to the Lord. I pray He makes himself known to you in radical ways and ways you can show others. I am sitting next to the grand mystery. I think of how Jesus came down just like you. From a womb. Awesomely small and precious. I remember your first cry and I KNEW you were mine. It's like music to me. I started writing you songs, and singing things made up from how much I love you.
I've learned that you are the greatest invention. You were created in ways which are beyond scientific dissemination. Processes are mere descriptions, you are Art. Beyond the weaving, beyond the telling, you are a living masterpiece who's depth is just being discovered. I hope someday you'll read all these words and hear my voice speaking them. I hope you become who the Lord designed you to be. I pray I lead you in that way. I pray you are strong, wise and caring. Wise enough to let your emotions guide your mind and wise enough to know when your mind must guide your heart. I love you! I am going to try and get a half hour of sleep. Love
Your Father.
Your birthday is the Celebration of St. Bonaventure. Apparently a huge figure in Church history but his bio was really long so I didn't read it all yet, but I will. Your also born on the same day as your great grandmother on your mothers side. You're in the bassinet right next to me and I watch you dream whatever baby dreams there are. I watch you sniffle and I watch the bottom lip quiver as you start to cry. I wonder who you will be, I pray that you live into your name and know how to listen to the Lord. I pray He makes himself known to you in radical ways and ways you can show others. I am sitting next to the grand mystery. I think of how Jesus came down just like you. From a womb. Awesomely small and precious. I remember your first cry and I KNEW you were mine. It's like music to me. I started writing you songs, and singing things made up from how much I love you.
I've learned that you are the greatest invention. You were created in ways which are beyond scientific dissemination. Processes are mere descriptions, you are Art. Beyond the weaving, beyond the telling, you are a living masterpiece who's depth is just being discovered. I hope someday you'll read all these words and hear my voice speaking them. I hope you become who the Lord designed you to be. I pray I lead you in that way. I pray you are strong, wise and caring. Wise enough to let your emotions guide your mind and wise enough to know when your mind must guide your heart. I love you! I am going to try and get a half hour of sleep. Love
Your Father.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
The Final Countdown
Hey Little Samuel,
You are just about done. Your mother and I have set up everything around the house for you. Got your crib, your diapers, your clothes and just about every other conceivable thing a baby could need. It's a TON of work to get ready for you. I am slowly realizing what my parents went through when they had me. The sudden rushes of putting everything together and then the slow wait as you wonder what next to tackle. I am really wondering how we are going to do it all. These next couple of days (or weeks) of pregnancy for your mother are going really slow. She can't wait for you to show up, and neither can I.
You are a mystery in the grandest sense of the word. We have no idea what is coming but we do have this, we love you more than anything. A love that goes beyond anything I've ever encountered. Your family tree wall is set and we hope you meet everyone on there and get to hang out with them soon. When you have your children you'll realize the same things we are. A whole new room in your life is opened up and the lights are slowly coming on. The next phase will be stupendous and ridiculous, sublime and other, just beyond your understanding until you encounter your own children. You do repeat your parents sayings, because that connection is drawn to its fullness when you have children. Your world is supremely opened and your view is enlarged. There are somethings that experience can only truly teach just make sure you experience the Good.
Use your ears my son, listen for everything and listen for the Lord, live into your name, be blessed by it. I love you very much,
Your Dad.
You are just about done. Your mother and I have set up everything around the house for you. Got your crib, your diapers, your clothes and just about every other conceivable thing a baby could need. It's a TON of work to get ready for you. I am slowly realizing what my parents went through when they had me. The sudden rushes of putting everything together and then the slow wait as you wonder what next to tackle. I am really wondering how we are going to do it all. These next couple of days (or weeks) of pregnancy for your mother are going really slow. She can't wait for you to show up, and neither can I.
You are a mystery in the grandest sense of the word. We have no idea what is coming but we do have this, we love you more than anything. A love that goes beyond anything I've ever encountered. Your family tree wall is set and we hope you meet everyone on there and get to hang out with them soon. When you have your children you'll realize the same things we are. A whole new room in your life is opened up and the lights are slowly coming on. The next phase will be stupendous and ridiculous, sublime and other, just beyond your understanding until you encounter your own children. You do repeat your parents sayings, because that connection is drawn to its fullness when you have children. Your world is supremely opened and your view is enlarged. There are somethings that experience can only truly teach just make sure you experience the Good.
Use your ears my son, listen for everything and listen for the Lord, live into your name, be blessed by it. I love you very much,
Your Dad.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Hey Sam, err Samuel
I really like your name, I really enjoy saying it outloud to your mothers belly. I am realizing that there are things which you cannot know till you experience them. Like being married and having a baby and watching you grow.. ok more like watching Julie's tummy grow. Right now things are interesting, I've been in pain and they have yet to figure out why and that's caused some thinking and reflecting about you and who you'll be, and if I passed what would I want for you to know. I came to the sudden epiphany, I want you to know who I am, and who I was. I want for you to know me because I love you and you are part of me, you are from me. I don't want you to wonder who your father was/is.
I look at my bookshelves I want you to read what I've read, not to be convinced of what they say but to know I loved those and see how I think. You can learn alot about a person by what they read. It's a serious investment of time to read.
You know what else, I still wonder who you are going to be. I hope you enjoy who you are. What you think and what you enjoy regardless of what others think of that. Barring anything self destructive. :)
I took another pain pill and I am starting to feel it's effects right now so I am not sure if I am making any sense to you. But I want you to know I was young once, that I had long hair, multiple piercings but no tattoo's never could get into that, it's too permanent. I am about to head into Biology lecture shortly so I'll have to stop writing for a bit, well not really, I really never pay attention in that class anyways. Don't take my study habits....
I look at my bookshelves I want you to read what I've read, not to be convinced of what they say but to know I loved those and see how I think. You can learn alot about a person by what they read. It's a serious investment of time to read.
You know what else, I still wonder who you are going to be. I hope you enjoy who you are. What you think and what you enjoy regardless of what others think of that. Barring anything self destructive. :)
I took another pain pill and I am starting to feel it's effects right now so I am not sure if I am making any sense to you. But I want you to know I was young once, that I had long hair, multiple piercings but no tattoo's never could get into that, it's too permanent. I am about to head into Biology lecture shortly so I'll have to stop writing for a bit, well not really, I really never pay attention in that class anyways. Don't take my study habits....
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Names...
Shmuel, Samuel, He who hears from God....
That's what we picked for you my son, it's a deep name. Samuel changed the course of a kingdom, set up kings and replaced them. He never stood in fear of man, no matter what their position. Considering he heard from the Lord at a young age, he knew who was more important to obey. He was a radical in the truest sense of the word, not by being rebelious but by listening to the One who made the Universe. I highly doubt if you listen to Him you'll be worse off in the long run.
Ephraim, one of the twelve tribes of Judah, it means will be fruitful. He who hears from God will be fruitful. That's a good name. Thats a prophetic name, its a strong name. Though you may not feel strong all the time remember, the Lord hardly ever called someone by a name they were living into at the time. Like Gideon, greeted with " Mighty Warrior" though he was never a fighter and of the smallest clan and the smallest tribe. But look at what he did.
I feel like your going to grow up in vastly different times from your mother and I, there is a surge on the way, I can feel it, sense it, of a backlash against the Church. A scream to drowned out Heavens music. Noise noise noise, but, you will be fruitful if you learn how to listen, to hear the One true Voice. It's really there, I've heard it before, so will you and you'll know. I pray you are strong and fearless, not out of ignorance but out of knowledge. I pray you read, you learn, you question but most importantly you listen. It's the only tool that matters, two ears, one mouth. I pray you never settle for less, that you embrace the challenge to be what you were made to be. I feel like you'll be hard pressed to defend meaning in the coming decades, that things will be stripped to bare parts with nothing substantial, it will take work Samuel to understand, and it's part of what you need to do. Fools argue in soundbite theology and science, You are not to be a fool. Dig. Get dirty in the process, do not be afraid of anything challenging your faith, be afraid of not challenging enough to get an answer. If something does not sit well with your soul and with your mind, it should be examined until you know it, then you should listen for an answer. It may not be a voice, but it will be clear. God is humble enough to use media to speak. Never get drawn into an argument with someone who refuses to do the research. If they research and come up with something different, respect that, then challenge with your reasearch. But never be disrespectful, always teach and know when to walk away.
I hope I get to see you soon but not too soon (your only 21 weeks old). I love you very much, the little bundle in the tummy of my wife. Tappity Tap Tap, that's what I would do to your mom's belly to say I love you. See ya in 20 more weeks. Love,
Your Dad
That's what we picked for you my son, it's a deep name. Samuel changed the course of a kingdom, set up kings and replaced them. He never stood in fear of man, no matter what their position. Considering he heard from the Lord at a young age, he knew who was more important to obey. He was a radical in the truest sense of the word, not by being rebelious but by listening to the One who made the Universe. I highly doubt if you listen to Him you'll be worse off in the long run.
Ephraim, one of the twelve tribes of Judah, it means will be fruitful. He who hears from God will be fruitful. That's a good name. Thats a prophetic name, its a strong name. Though you may not feel strong all the time remember, the Lord hardly ever called someone by a name they were living into at the time. Like Gideon, greeted with " Mighty Warrior" though he was never a fighter and of the smallest clan and the smallest tribe. But look at what he did.
I feel like your going to grow up in vastly different times from your mother and I, there is a surge on the way, I can feel it, sense it, of a backlash against the Church. A scream to drowned out Heavens music. Noise noise noise, but, you will be fruitful if you learn how to listen, to hear the One true Voice. It's really there, I've heard it before, so will you and you'll know. I pray you are strong and fearless, not out of ignorance but out of knowledge. I pray you read, you learn, you question but most importantly you listen. It's the only tool that matters, two ears, one mouth. I pray you never settle for less, that you embrace the challenge to be what you were made to be. I feel like you'll be hard pressed to defend meaning in the coming decades, that things will be stripped to bare parts with nothing substantial, it will take work Samuel to understand, and it's part of what you need to do. Fools argue in soundbite theology and science, You are not to be a fool. Dig. Get dirty in the process, do not be afraid of anything challenging your faith, be afraid of not challenging enough to get an answer. If something does not sit well with your soul and with your mind, it should be examined until you know it, then you should listen for an answer. It may not be a voice, but it will be clear. God is humble enough to use media to speak. Never get drawn into an argument with someone who refuses to do the research. If they research and come up with something different, respect that, then challenge with your reasearch. But never be disrespectful, always teach and know when to walk away.
I hope I get to see you soon but not too soon (your only 21 weeks old). I love you very much, the little bundle in the tummy of my wife. Tappity Tap Tap, that's what I would do to your mom's belly to say I love you. See ya in 20 more weeks. Love,
Your Dad
Friday, December 3, 2010
Another Day of thinking about you...
Hey Little One,
I often drift into thought of what you are becoming, everyday new things are being formed and put together in ways that shake the foundation of the earth. I wish the weight of what I say could be felt. You are literally inspiring awe. The type of emotion where you cannot speak and you want to sit because the weight of reality is too much. The process, the making, the culmination of our marriage vows all went into you know, truly your birth is a sacred event. I do not mean sacred to just me and your mom but Sacred. Set apart. The height of human existence.
The words of my parents and how they felt about you are becoming flesh in my emotions. You'll never really know till you have your own children what it is I am feeling now but when that happens the door to reality opens and you see the world in a way that realigns everything. Everything, from the music you hear to the weather outside. You understand why we sing. You understand what it is to have been filled so full of life it bursts out of you. I can honestly say this is the best ever. There have been other events that have weighed on me but you are vastly more. T.S. Eliot (he's a poet which I hope you'll read and understand) wrote " I will show you fear in a handful of dust". I understand that now, not body shaking fear, but respect. I have seen everything that I have done, everything that I thought was of worth turn to dust at your being. The laughable contents of my life compared to yours in hysterical. What could a TV a car, a guitar even come close to bringing to the world what you do? And your not even here yet. The things which I thought were important, BAH! Only if your safe, only if your strong.
I cannot wait for the day we have conversations, where the curiosity which all children have makes me smile and laugh. I want to see your wonder at life, and show you more. I want you to learn to know Who made you and why. And I want you to appreciate Life in all it's various forms. I could understand why some religious cults worship fertility. Its truly awful (full of awe, terrifying) power. Which makes me worship the Lord more because only He set's the boundaries on these things. And within them there is more than we can ask for. Dangerous but good, You'll know. Trust me.
I hope I am around to see it all. I don't want to be a sad right now but the thought of missing anything with you is sobering and suffocating. Though that is a reality we will face someday when I go home and wait for you, and your mother, today is not that day, nor is it planned in the foreseeable future. Oh the depth of life would never be filled without the knowledge of the temporary. Remember this when your going through tough times, when partings come and go. When things are broken and remade and then broken again. There is a final repair which will happen. One last fix for permanency but that is not done by our hands. We wait in expectation on the Maker, and the final remaking of the world, the universe and all life. It's truly the grandest hope, the tempering fire of life's steel. Polished and sharpened to the finest point. The haunting melody of the sea (read The Lord of the Rings to understand that reference my child). The song of the heavens. I pray you'll hear it. I pray that wisdom finds its home within your heart and that your heart finds a home with Lord and the Truth. May courage be within your back and wisdom on your tongue. Love you,
Your Dad.
I often drift into thought of what you are becoming, everyday new things are being formed and put together in ways that shake the foundation of the earth. I wish the weight of what I say could be felt. You are literally inspiring awe. The type of emotion where you cannot speak and you want to sit because the weight of reality is too much. The process, the making, the culmination of our marriage vows all went into you know, truly your birth is a sacred event. I do not mean sacred to just me and your mom but Sacred. Set apart. The height of human existence.
The words of my parents and how they felt about you are becoming flesh in my emotions. You'll never really know till you have your own children what it is I am feeling now but when that happens the door to reality opens and you see the world in a way that realigns everything. Everything, from the music you hear to the weather outside. You understand why we sing. You understand what it is to have been filled so full of life it bursts out of you. I can honestly say this is the best ever. There have been other events that have weighed on me but you are vastly more. T.S. Eliot (he's a poet which I hope you'll read and understand) wrote " I will show you fear in a handful of dust". I understand that now, not body shaking fear, but respect. I have seen everything that I have done, everything that I thought was of worth turn to dust at your being. The laughable contents of my life compared to yours in hysterical. What could a TV a car, a guitar even come close to bringing to the world what you do? And your not even here yet. The things which I thought were important, BAH! Only if your safe, only if your strong.
I cannot wait for the day we have conversations, where the curiosity which all children have makes me smile and laugh. I want to see your wonder at life, and show you more. I want you to learn to know Who made you and why. And I want you to appreciate Life in all it's various forms. I could understand why some religious cults worship fertility. Its truly awful (full of awe, terrifying) power. Which makes me worship the Lord more because only He set's the boundaries on these things. And within them there is more than we can ask for. Dangerous but good, You'll know. Trust me.
I hope I am around to see it all. I don't want to be a sad right now but the thought of missing anything with you is sobering and suffocating. Though that is a reality we will face someday when I go home and wait for you, and your mother, today is not that day, nor is it planned in the foreseeable future. Oh the depth of life would never be filled without the knowledge of the temporary. Remember this when your going through tough times, when partings come and go. When things are broken and remade and then broken again. There is a final repair which will happen. One last fix for permanency but that is not done by our hands. We wait in expectation on the Maker, and the final remaking of the world, the universe and all life. It's truly the grandest hope, the tempering fire of life's steel. Polished and sharpened to the finest point. The haunting melody of the sea (read The Lord of the Rings to understand that reference my child). The song of the heavens. I pray you'll hear it. I pray that wisdom finds its home within your heart and that your heart finds a home with Lord and the Truth. May courage be within your back and wisdom on your tongue. Love you,
Your Dad.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Week 5
Hey There little person,
About 2 days ago we watched your heartbeat. This little white bleeping on the ultrasound. Simply amazing. Just to think you were 10,000 times smaller than what you are now, just amazing. The mystery and the majesty of you. I think we are watching the essence of creation right now in your growing and forming. I imagine the G-d's hands forming your hand's and eyes and body. Your amazing, I wonder what you'll be like, if you'll take after your mom or me or combine us or be someone completely different, either way we love you! We told your grandmother today. She just about jumped out of her skin in excitement. Your the first grandchild. Which means your going to be like I was, completely the favorite of her. Whether she says it or not. We are sitting around on Thanksgiving 2010 and I can imagine you'll be here for the next one. I am so glad your here, that your coming. Your mother and I have never been closer.
I want you to know something, there is nothing you can do to make me love you less. I may be frustrated with you but that's normal. I want the best for you. I want you to be wise. I want you to read Heschel and have it touch your soul like it did mine. I want the Word of God to really be life for you. I want you to know that your walk with God is important, and I don't mean some shallow mention of a far off being. I mean the presence of the Creator. I mean the Weight of Glory. When you feel small, you'll know. When you open your eyes and see the vastness of life, you'll know. When you pray and feel the authority rise up from a place deeper than you, you'll know. When you feel abandoned with nothing to help but not alone and a new strength reveals Himself, you'll know.
I wish you could have seen our faces when the heartbeat was first seen. The tears and gasps of awe. You have brought the culmination of Marriage. I've been thinking of the Trinity and how they work together and I think of your mom and I and how we work together. It's not completely the same but its an image of it. I wish the weight of the words I have in me was on this page. Your going to be amazing, you already are. I love you, see you soon,
Your Dad.
About 2 days ago we watched your heartbeat. This little white bleeping on the ultrasound. Simply amazing. Just to think you were 10,000 times smaller than what you are now, just amazing. The mystery and the majesty of you. I think we are watching the essence of creation right now in your growing and forming. I imagine the G-d's hands forming your hand's and eyes and body. Your amazing, I wonder what you'll be like, if you'll take after your mom or me or combine us or be someone completely different, either way we love you! We told your grandmother today. She just about jumped out of her skin in excitement. Your the first grandchild. Which means your going to be like I was, completely the favorite of her. Whether she says it or not. We are sitting around on Thanksgiving 2010 and I can imagine you'll be here for the next one. I am so glad your here, that your coming. Your mother and I have never been closer.
I want you to know something, there is nothing you can do to make me love you less. I may be frustrated with you but that's normal. I want the best for you. I want you to be wise. I want you to read Heschel and have it touch your soul like it did mine. I want the Word of God to really be life for you. I want you to know that your walk with God is important, and I don't mean some shallow mention of a far off being. I mean the presence of the Creator. I mean the Weight of Glory. When you feel small, you'll know. When you open your eyes and see the vastness of life, you'll know. When you pray and feel the authority rise up from a place deeper than you, you'll know. When you feel abandoned with nothing to help but not alone and a new strength reveals Himself, you'll know.
I wish you could have seen our faces when the heartbeat was first seen. The tears and gasps of awe. You have brought the culmination of Marriage. I've been thinking of the Trinity and how they work together and I think of your mom and I and how we work together. It's not completely the same but its an image of it. I wish the weight of the words I have in me was on this page. Your going to be amazing, you already are. I love you, see you soon,
Your Dad.
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