Hey Little One,
I often drift into thought of what you are becoming, everyday new things are being formed and put together in ways that shake the foundation of the earth. I wish the weight of what I say could be felt. You are literally inspiring awe. The type of emotion where you cannot speak and you want to sit because the weight of reality is too much. The process, the making, the culmination of our marriage vows all went into you know, truly your birth is a sacred event. I do not mean sacred to just me and your mom but Sacred. Set apart. The height of human existence.
The words of my parents and how they felt about you are becoming flesh in my emotions. You'll never really know till you have your own children what it is I am feeling now but when that happens the door to reality opens and you see the world in a way that realigns everything. Everything, from the music you hear to the weather outside. You understand why we sing. You understand what it is to have been filled so full of life it bursts out of you. I can honestly say this is the best ever. There have been other events that have weighed on me but you are vastly more. T.S. Eliot (he's a poet which I hope you'll read and understand) wrote " I will show you fear in a handful of dust". I understand that now, not body shaking fear, but respect. I have seen everything that I have done, everything that I thought was of worth turn to dust at your being. The laughable contents of my life compared to yours in hysterical. What could a TV a car, a guitar even come close to bringing to the world what you do? And your not even here yet. The things which I thought were important, BAH! Only if your safe, only if your strong.
I cannot wait for the day we have conversations, where the curiosity which all children have makes me smile and laugh. I want to see your wonder at life, and show you more. I want you to learn to know Who made you and why. And I want you to appreciate Life in all it's various forms. I could understand why some religious cults worship fertility. Its truly awful (full of awe, terrifying) power. Which makes me worship the Lord more because only He set's the boundaries on these things. And within them there is more than we can ask for. Dangerous but good, You'll know. Trust me.
I hope I am around to see it all. I don't want to be a sad right now but the thought of missing anything with you is sobering and suffocating. Though that is a reality we will face someday when I go home and wait for you, and your mother, today is not that day, nor is it planned in the foreseeable future. Oh the depth of life would never be filled without the knowledge of the temporary. Remember this when your going through tough times, when partings come and go. When things are broken and remade and then broken again. There is a final repair which will happen. One last fix for permanency but that is not done by our hands. We wait in expectation on the Maker, and the final remaking of the world, the universe and all life. It's truly the grandest hope, the tempering fire of life's steel. Polished and sharpened to the finest point. The haunting melody of the sea (read The Lord of the Rings to understand that reference my child). The song of the heavens. I pray you'll hear it. I pray that wisdom finds its home within your heart and that your heart finds a home with Lord and the Truth. May courage be within your back and wisdom on your tongue. Love you,
Your Dad.
