Another Day of thinking about you...

Hey Little One,

   I often drift into thought of what you are becoming, everyday new things are being formed and put together in ways that shake the foundation of the earth. I wish the weight of what I say could be felt. You are literally inspiring awe. The type of emotion where you cannot speak and you want to sit because the weight of reality is too much. The process, the making, the culmination of our marriage vows all went into you know, truly your birth is a sacred event. I do not mean sacred to just me and your mom but Sacred. Set apart. The height of human existence.

    The words of my parents and how they felt about you are becoming flesh in my emotions. You'll never really know till you have your own children what it is I am feeling now but when that happens the door to reality opens and you see the world in a way that realigns everything. Everything, from the music you hear to the weather outside. You understand why we sing. You understand what it is to have been filled so full of life it bursts out of you. I can honestly say this is the best ever. There have been other events that have weighed on me but you are vastly more. T.S. Eliot (he's a poet which I hope you'll read and understand) wrote " I will show you fear in a handful of dust". I understand that now, not body shaking fear, but respect. I have seen everything that I have done, everything that I thought was of worth turn to dust at your being. The laughable contents of my life compared to yours in hysterical. What could a TV a car, a guitar even come close to bringing to the world what you do? And your not even here yet. The things which I thought were important, BAH! Only if your safe, only if your strong.

   I cannot wait for the day we have conversations, where the curiosity which all children have makes me smile and laugh. I want to see your wonder at life, and show you more. I want you to learn to know Who made you and why. And I want you to appreciate Life in all it's various forms. I could understand why some religious cults worship fertility. Its truly awful (full of awe, terrifying) power. Which makes me worship the Lord more because only He set's the boundaries on these things. And within them there is more than we can ask for. Dangerous but good, You'll know. Trust me.


    I hope I am around to see it all. I don't want to be a sad right now but the thought of missing anything with you is sobering and suffocating. Though that is a reality we will face someday when I go home and wait for you, and your mother, today is not that day, nor is it planned in the foreseeable future. Oh the depth of life would never be filled without the knowledge of the temporary. Remember this when your going through tough times, when partings come and go. When things are broken and remade and then broken again. There is a final repair which will happen. One last fix for permanency but that is not done by our hands. We wait in expectation on the Maker, and the final remaking of the world, the universe and all life. It's truly the grandest hope, the tempering fire of life's steel. Polished and sharpened to the finest point.  The haunting melody of the sea (read The Lord of the Rings to understand that reference my child). The song of the heavens. I pray you'll hear it. I pray that wisdom finds its home within your heart and that your heart finds a home with Lord and the Truth. May courage be within your back and wisdom on your tongue. Love you,

Your Dad.

Week 5

Hey There little person,

   About 2 days ago we watched your heartbeat. This little white bleeping on the ultrasound. Simply amazing. Just to think you were 10,000 times smaller than what you are now, just amazing. The mystery and the majesty of you. I think we are watching the essence of creation right now in your growing and forming. I imagine the G-d's hands forming your hand's and eyes and body. Your amazing, I wonder what you'll be like, if you'll take after your mom or me or combine us or be someone completely different, either way we love you! We told your grandmother today. She just about jumped out of her skin in excitement. Your the first grandchild. Which means your going to be like I was, completely the favorite of her. Whether she says it or not. We are sitting around on Thanksgiving 2010 and I  can imagine you'll be here for the next one. I am so glad your here, that your coming. Your mother and I have never been closer.

I want you to know something, there is nothing you can do to make me love you less. I may be frustrated with you but that's normal. I want the best for you. I want you to be wise. I want you to read Heschel and have it touch your soul like it did mine. I want the Word of God to really be life for you. I want you to know that your walk with God is important, and I don't mean some shallow mention of a far off being. I mean the presence of the Creator. I mean the Weight of Glory. When you feel small, you'll know. When you open your eyes and see the vastness of life, you'll know. When you pray and feel the authority rise up from a place deeper than you, you'll know. When you feel abandoned with nothing to help but not alone and a new strength reveals Himself, you'll know.

I wish you could have seen our faces when the heartbeat was first seen. The tears and gasps of awe.  You have brought the culmination of Marriage. I've been thinking of the Trinity and how they work together and I think of your mom and I and how we work together. It's not completely the same but its an image of it. I wish the weight of the words I have in me was on this page. Your going to be amazing, you already are. I love you, see you soon,

Your Dad.

Just found out

Hey Baby,

    I just found out last night that you were sitting in my wife's womb. I think my first reaction was really? No way! So me and your mother sat around and went back and forth about getting another pregnancy test to be sure. She almost left without me, running to the door while I was about to go to sleep. Don't jump to conclusions, I was in school and exhausted but I heard the rattle of her keys and sprang up to catch her at the door. We drove out to the Giant Eagle and grabbed a 2 pack just to be sure. As soon as we got home it was test time and sure enough to red lines were so vivid it was beyond shocking. Surreal is an understatement. I was beyond feeling, I felt great, I felt in awe, I felt like I wasn't standing on the planet earth, I felt like the whole of creation was singing, I felt like crying and singing and laughing. If I could have I would have ran around with a bullhorn shouting it down the street. All because you were made known to me and your mom. You did that, you know? And right now your so small I can barely fathom it but in a short time you'll be out making the world a better place. You'll be proving the mysteries of God, you'll be teaching me more about how He feels about us because of how I feel about you. You are already teaching me how my dad feels about me even though he would articulate it I didn't fathom it. You make me miss my dad, you make me love my dad more. I'm sitting here crying about all the possibilities that are yours and you don't even know it. I am so glad I write music more than write blog's, because this is so big I cant find the right combinations of words to tell what is going on now. You make me want to be a better man, to learn so much so I can teach you more.
I want to show you the joy of music and the woods and talking.
I want you to sit on my lap and fall asleep.
I want you to be all that you were created to be.
I want you to know you were picked by God to be here now for this time and for a purpose.
I want you to know that even now He is putting you together in an awesome way.
I want you to know that He is calling your name even now. That He know's your name even before I do. That He is always there, that He picked this time for you 13 billions years ago and wants you to grow up to know Him. You will never be more loved, and there is nothing that can change that.  I can't wait for you to read this, I can't wait to stop crying for a minute. I am surprised I was able to type. I really need a paper towel.

Some advise I can think of now is, when your wife thinks that she is pregnant she is probably right, if your a girl, you'll know your pregnant regardless of a test. But get one for your husband, just so he can be sure, we need tests for things. Its rounding 10:30 and I am going to get your mother some food. I guess its for both of you. I hope you like Luigi's. Either way your going to get it. I love you. See you soon,

Your Dad.